I know it's been a very long since I have posted anything on this blog. Over the past few months I have started a bunch of posts and then tears start to block my eyes, so I get frustrated and delete what I was typing vowing to some day write something on here.
Honestly, nothing has changed. We are still waiting to be considered for a child. We have been contacted by numerous birth moms, who then decide to go with someone else. One day you are on cloud 9 and then the next it feels like all hope has been torn away from your reach. It's always something minor that makes them choose another couple. I try not to blame them because I know that God points them in the right direction, but I just want to grab them and say, "Seriously? Do you know how much your child will be loved with us? Do you know how many times we have prayed for a baby? Do you know we have spent the last 6 years preparing to provide the best life possible for a child? Do you know you're child could be the luckiest and happiest child alive?"
There are some days that I give up on hope completely. Secretly, I wonder if I am being punished for something I have done in the past.
I haven't figured out what I am supposed to learn or what I am supposed to do before a child finds our home. I know there's a reason why we don't have a family, but I just haven't learned what it is yet. And yes, I have learned a great deal of patience!!
I feel guilty for the brief moment of jealousy I get when I find out a friend is pregnant. I hate feeling that way! I hate being that person, but I don't know how to change it.
Most importantly, I hate how infertility has hurt James. I hate how mad he gets that he can't provide me with the one thing I desire the most.
It's really not that bad most of the time. I have gained a new appreciation for my marriage and all these years without children. We have been fortunate enough to strengthen our relationship in ways that may not have been possible if we had a child. I have also realized how lucky I am to have all day to myself to do whatever I want.
3 comments:
I just wanted you to know that I admire you for having survived this journey so far and still coming out with hope. I only know a small part of the pain you feel in trying to have a baby. The urge to have children was the most powerful emotion I have felt in my life. I wish for you to get everything you want in life and I can't imagine a baby getting to be part of a better family (despite never having met James, I can just tell even from across the country how wonderful the two of you are together). I'm glad you're trying to appreciate the freedom you do have for now because the grass is always greener and I long for time to myself! I wish I had the time you have to update my house and pamper myself but my kids are totally worth it. I've always been a strong advocate for adoption (my little brother is adopted after my parents weren't able to have more kids after me) and I KNOW you and James will get the family you deserve. I hope I didn't make you cry :)
I wish I could take all the pain away or let it hurt my heart for you even if only for a day. You are a precious daughter of our Father in Heaven and you are not being punished for anything you might have ever done. Walk tall, with your head held high. You are an elect woman and worthy on every level to be a mother in Zion. I don't know why it is not happening yet but you are worthy. I am sorry that you are hurting so much. Please know that you are loved on so many levels. Thank you for being you.
I'll keep you in my prayers. I have watched my sister-in-law go through this & it has been very difficult for her as well. Don't let anyone tell you how you should be feeling. It's totally normal to feel sadness. It's part of the process of dealing with anything hard.
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