Are we there yet?

I have noticed lately that I only post about our adoption progress and nothing else. I believe the biggest reason for this is because I haven't wanted to think about my feelings towards infertility. After having my exploratory surgery in august, I was very comforted with the decision to adopt. Ever since then I have never allowed myself to dwell on anything else. I know without a doubt we are supposed to adopt.

For the first time in about a year, I had a melt down. I have felt it coming for a couple weeks. For me a meltdown is about 10 minutes of a good cry and then I am back to normal. I am usually really good about controlling my feelings, but there was way too much piled on me this time. I have been overloaded with baby shopping for the numerous baby showers every weekend, seeing so many friends and family get pregnant and have their babies, and thinking about the chances of us ever having more than one child. Something triggered this at church on sunday (I have no idea what) and after I was done teaching nursery (the 2 year old class in church), I had to run. James was busy talking to an investigator so I sat on the couch sulking. As soon as we got in the car the tears just poured out. James is such a wonderful husband, he knows that I just have to let all my feelings out. Once we got home he gave me a big hug and said, "I am sorry I have no idea how it feels, but I wish I could make it go away." That's all I needed. I think I am fine now.

A friend in my blog support group posted this on her blog a few weeks ago. Every time, I am feeling down I think about it.

"Last summer, Ryan and I hiked to the Lundy Mine. Ryan had been on this hike one time as a child, and I had never been. Needless to say, neither one of us knew the trail well enough to know how far we'd hiked and how much further we had to go. There were no mile markers and no maps along the way. All we knew was the mine was at the end of this trail. If we stayed on the trail, we would get to the mine eventually. But we had no idea when.

About a half-hour or so into the hike, I literally sat down and said I didn't want to do it anymore. I was tired. I wasn't prepared for this. I was too out of shape. It was too steep. This was harder than I thought. This was not what I was expecting. After a few minutes and some tears, I changed my mind and we pressed ahead.

At that moment, had I known we weren't even a fraction of the way there, I would have quit. No question about it. Had I known the steepness and the length of the trail that was ahead, I would have second-guessed my ability to do it. It was the not knowing that was the hardest part, but also the part that kept me going. The end of the trail could be around any curve, and I wanted to make it to the end.

Much is the same with this 'trail' I'm on now. Had I known at Post #1 where I would be at Post #100, I might have sat down and quit. "I'm tired. I wasn't prepared for this. It's harder than I thought." I would have second-guessed my ability to do it.

There may be steeper paths ahead, rocky roads and long stretches. It's the not knowing that is the hardest part, but also the part that keeps me going. The end of the trail could be around any curve, and I want to make it to the end."

I know that everyone has their own trials and there is someone who is always worse off than you. I am extremely thankful that we are very blessed in all areas of our life except children. I am glad that God knows ME enough to know that I couldn't handle too many other trials on top of infertility. Although I do complain about it now, I know I have learned a lot while I have walked this "trail". I hope that the end is right around the next curve!